I don't know what to say today. I'm confused. I've got so many people sticking labels to me but I don't fit in with any of them. I'm tired of being labelled. I'm tired of being told I'm emo but feeling like a poser. I'm tired of feeling stupid and idiotic because I don't understand what's going on. I'm tired of living my life for other people. I'm tired of feeling the need to let go but being unable to because I have to hold on for him. The one person I would truly miss and the one person who wouldn't even know if I lived or died. He's been hurt by suicide before. I can't do that to him again.
But I'm tired of acting. I'm tired of faking, aching, breaking. I'm tired of the fact that if a sick person says "I want to live" they have teams and teams of people rushing to help them but when a healthy person says "I want to die" they are deemed a freak, or insane. I'm tired of knowing that's pathetic. I'm tired of knowing suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm tired of feeling sick and confused. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning but haven't died. I'm tired of feeling like I need to inflict physical pain on myself to mask the other pain. I'm tired of knowing it's not working but doing it anyway. I'm tired of the elated feeling I get when I see my blood. I'm tired of that blood being the only thing I have to be proud of and the only thing I should be really ashamed of.
I'm tired of feeling guilty. It's like, everything I say about what I do, what I think, what I feel, no matter what it is, I feel like I'm lying. Even though every word of it is true, I feel guilty, like I'm dramatising it. Maybe it's because honestly, I don't want there to be something wrong with me. So I convince myself that everything is normal, I'm fine, maybe I just do things differently to otherr people. But I know that's wrong, so I'm lying again. And I don't want to feel guilty. Guilt was given to us as an unpleasant emotion, one we do not wish to experience, and therefore, we should not do things we'll feel guilty for. And you can make your guilt go away by making up for the bad things you've done but what if you're feeling guilty for telling the truth? For trying to express yourself, for trying to help yourself? There's nothing I can do, unless maybe, I'm meant to suffer in silence? Maybe I'm meant to die? Things happen for a reason and maybe suicide is the way I'm meant to go?
But I can't do that to him. Not after what happened last time. When she killed herself, when she did it, they blamed it on him. Not so much him as all of them. The five of them. And I don't think she meant for it to happen. I don't think she meant for her actions to cause him so much agony. And I could try and make sure before I did it, try to make it known that he is the reason I am holding on to life now and he is the only one I'd ever feel sad about leaving but I can't guarantee they'll believe me, can I? Someone will blame him and he will feel the consequences for something that only I could ever have made the decision to do. How can someone make you commit suicide? Either you choose to kill yourself, or they kill you.
And that's why I'm so confused. If I'm meant to die this way, why have I been led to him? To all of them? Why is every cell of my body begging me to end this but every ounce of my soul holding on, purely out of love and respect for him. I won't hurt him like she did. Even if it hurts me.
Black Mariah.
1 comment:
You are the only one that can answer these questions.
Suicide is a complicated two-way street. Unlike other forms of death, for example an illness, it is viewed as a choice. No one ever tells the victim of a car wreck's family that it was his choice to be out driving (if he was drunk, that's a whole different ballgame). There is the one person who chooses to die and the others left behind.
Suicidal thoughts are not pathetic. You have no control over what you think.
I know the feeling of slowly being eaten up by a black hole. It seems impossible to climb out, the walls slippery and covered with slime. I can't promise you that things will get better, and even if I did, I know you wouldn't believe me.
Post a Comment