A Little More....Actually, A Lot More, I'm Sorry It's So Long!!!

I know I was just on here like a second ago, but I've got nothing else to do. Usually I hang out with my friends on a Friday. I don't know why today's any different. But oh well. Just means I have more time to bore anyone who might possibly decide to read this. By the way, if you do for some reason read this, can you leave me a comment? Anything? Just to let me know I'm not rambling on to no one? If that's the case, I might as well just delete the blog. Find some other way of doing what I want to do. Have I even mentioned what I'm trying to do? I don't know. I'm forgetful.

I read back my last couple of posts a moment ago. Can I just point out that yes, my depression causes me to go all...you know...depressing like that, but it's not all the time. Like right now, I'm totally fine. I'm actually kind of embarrassed at posting that poem and that explanation. But that is what it's like! Sometimes. Not all the time. Most of the time I'm just like any other teenager. I like music. I like going out. I like guys. Even if a certain special guy never even looks my way...honestly, seven years I've known him and I don't think I've ever spoken to him. But I will. Maybe not while I'm still trying to reintroduce my brain to the concept of sanity, but I will talk to him. Wish me luck! I'll find myself going on and on and on about him, probably, even though I know little more about him than his name. Maybe the comment you leave could be: We are all very aware that you like this guy. Can you either talk to him or shut up? Something along those lines, feel free! Anyway, my point was supposed to be please don't feel sorry for me and please don't be patronising to anyone you might know with depression. Only my best friend knows about mine, but it still gets on my nerves every time someone says to me: Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? I'm worried about you. You look depressed. Ha ha. Well spotted. Newsflash! I know you're all trying to be nice, but it doesn't help letting me know that I LOOK depressed as well as feel it!

Weekend! Woop woop! Raving with my friends! Probably not, actually. Was supposed to be going out with them but not anymore. I hardly ever see anyone anymore. I think I'm starting to scare them off. It's quite sad, really. Just because I look different doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. Why is it that people find skinny jeans and eyeliner and sidefringes and Converse so hard to cope with??? My friends are all really happy, lighthearted, cheerful people and because most of them have no idea what goes on inside my head, I think they're either scared of me or just getting fed up with my mood changes. I don't really help myself, I mean. I know it's my fault that I'm driving them away. I can't help it though. I feel like I'm drowning in myself. Sick, twisted and often deathly thoughts go through my head, I go cold and I feel like someone's trying to squash me. I can't help the fact that when this happens in the middle of a Science lesson I go a bit quiet, or fidgety.

I have only just realised what a pathetically long post this is. Like anyone's ever going to bother reading this! I really need to get a life, don't I???? I'm off now to find some other way of keeping my mind...active? Away from anything that could make me go weird again. Away from anything that could cause me any harm. So, I'll be back. Hopefully not as quickly as I was this time, because that would just be insanely sad.

Thanks for at least attempting to read this! See you soon! Leave a comment!

Black Mariah.