Those Icy Hands

There's nothing left to say

Another endless day

Did you watch me fade away?

Think of me when you pray?

In the coffin I just lay

My features stony grey

Like I was made from clay

Waiting for you babe

But you're never coming

My heart is black

My hands are red

I'm coming back

Back from the dead

The life I lack

And all I said

Feel it crack

Inside your head

But you're never coming

Can you hear me calling for you?

Things you thought you always knew

I'd always hoped you'd help me through

But there was nothing you could ever do

So you're never coming.

Sorry. I always get nervous about my work, whether it's poems or drawings or stories or whatever, I never think they're good. I just want to explain that that poem WAS about me. It's all metaphorical. I'm not dead, obviously, but in my head I am. Not all the time. It's just when the depression takes over, it's like some hands are wrapped round my chest, freezing me, crushing me to death and in my head I'm already dead. I welcome the hands. They just want to help me find where I belong.

I used to just lie on my bed, sit in my classes in silence, waiting for the hands to come. The feeling I get when they come. I can't breathe, I hear things and see things in my head, I can't think about anything about the crushing feeling. But it made me feel strong. I can feel pain. I felt it all the time. I still do. The hands come all the time. But I'm fighting them. I don't want anyone (again, if anyone reads this) to read this and think anything except she's fighting it. She's trying. And if you feel the hands too, if you're suffering from depression like me, we're not alone. We're in this together. No one else can help us. We're not some emo death cult or whatever it is they think. We're an army. I know it's hard. I know every day feels like a battle against the world. I know how draining it is to put on a happy face and pretend like everything's okay. I know how sickening it is to watch your own blood fall and know you caused it.

We can do it. I can do it. I'll get through this. And I'll do it on my own.

Thanks for reading. Please come back soon!

Black Mariah.