Pessimist...

Hi again, you cool people!!

Everyone's really cut up about Josh. School's just not the same. Everywhere you go you can feel how bad people are feeling right now. It's awful. You can hear people talking about him and you can tell by what they're saying that he was really loved and liked by everyone and it's just so sad. It's one of those things that you can't control and you can't fix. And it's one of those things where the world would be a much better place if it had never happened.

Weird....I just heard the word "optimist" on TV. Just thought I'd put that down as I titled this "pessimist".

Anyways, the whole point to the title of this blog is that yesterday, in light of the historic event of Barack Obama being elected to be the next president of America (even though I don't live in America I'm really happy about that) and after playing us his "Yes, We Can" speech where he talks about that one hundred and six year old woman and all the changes she's seen, our History teacher asked us to write an essay thing on "If I Lived To See The Next Century, What Changes Would I Expect To See?". So basically, I sat down last night trying to think...if I lived until I was, what? Wow, one hundred and six, just like that woman! Anyway, I sat down thinking, if I lived until I was one hundred and six and I got to see the 22nd century, what would I see?

It only took me about ten or fifteen minutes to write down a whole page and there was nothing positive on there. It was all about war, global warming, extinction, over crowded prisons (which, let's face it, is always going to be a problem when you live somewhere like England), financial problems and all that kind of thing. And maybe that is going to be the future of the planet but I was pretty much the only one who thought like that. Is that because I can see the planet for what it really is? Deteriorating? Or is it just because in my deteriorating mind, if it's going down, everything else must be going down with it? Is it because I've become so depressed, I really can't see anything good about the planet? Or is it because I've just become a pessimist?

Another thing, totally unrelated, is that I've noticed the way I feel about...everything really, changes around certain people. There's these two friends, really good friends, who I feel relaxed around and things look up. It's easy to laugh and I see the funny side to everything, even things that aren't funny. Things seem brighter when I'm with them but I don't feel like I could talk to them about this, or go to them for help with the whole cutting issue. But then, I have these other two friends, who are also really good friends, or at least used to be, who I feel really stressed around. Often I feel sick, and I don't know why that happens. And when I'm with them, I don't feel like I can be myself, but somehow, I feel I'm more myself around them than I ever am and especially with one of them, I'll show my dark, miserable side even though I'm afraid to do it. And then with the rest of them, I'm just acting. It's like, no one knows exactly who I am. I don't know who I am, but I know how I feel and that's all I need. But everyone else....the only way I can describe it is with this poem (I don't know who it's by or what it's called, but it says it all)

Everyone sees

Who I appear to be

But only I can know the real me

You can only see

What I choose to show

And there's so much more

You just don't know

Describes it perfectly.

Posting that poem has now made me want to post one of my own.

Unfortunately I can't. I have to go because even though I don't think I have any written homework, I DO have to go and study for a test I have tomorrow. A hard test apparently. Brilliant. I'm so stressed out with school at the moment!

Thanks for reading.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease leave a comment and come back soon. Let me know I'm still being listened to. In a way.

Black Mariah.