Don't Want To Let Go....

Hi guys. It's been a while....

Well, all you lucky people (like, the one or two who do read this) are very lucky because I am SO in the mood for a rant right now. If you happen to have a thing about teenaged girls bitching, then you may not want to read this. I'm going to try and be as un-bitchy as possible, but I can't be held responsible for what I'm saying.

I'm am so fed up of people sayind "you're my best friend" and not meaning it. We are totally killing the whole concept of best friends. People! BEST FRIENDS IS A PROMISE, NOT A LABEL! REMEMBER THAT! I'm the stupidest person in the world. I thought that I would be able to trust me supposed "best friends" to keep that promise. I thought they cared. I thought they were friends. But I know now that they aren't. I wish I wasn't the pathetic sort of person to hide who I am and just bitch about my friends on the internet. I wish I was the sort of person who could tell them all exactly what I think. I wish I was the sort of person who could just let go of them. But I don't want to let go.

The more I hold on, the harder it gets. The more I hold on, try to stay connected, the more I see them moving away and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. I'm apologizing for my language now. I don't know what's got me so wound up right now. It's just....seeing them all like that and knowing that I used to be like them, I used to be one of them. Knowing that they've changed, and I've accepted that but then they can't accept me for what I've become. That's the only reason I'm so mad at them. If they could just look at me and see me as the girl they used to, then I would be fine with that. I might be able to let them go and start new memories with my real friends.

People change. That's life. That's just the way things go. If they didn't, then things would be insanely boring. There'd be no point to like, anything. There is no point to anything. If you don't change, you're a clone. If you do change, you're a freak. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm screwed no matter what I do. I know that you can hardly ever get exactly what you want in life. That whole "so, you want to have your cake and eat it too?" thing. Well, duh! Of course I do. What the hell is the point in having a cake if you can't eat it?

I'm only making sense to myself right now. Sorry if you're lost. If you knew my friends, if you could see exactly what's happening to me right now, you'd understand.

But it's not just me this is happening to. There's my friend....we'll call her Alex....She's a total slut. I'm sorry if people take offence at that word and I'm sorry if people think I'm being totally unfair, but she is. Everyone knows it. Even she does. Totally unrelated to the story, but she called me the other day to "gloat" because she had a "hot new boyfriend" but she was really "depressed" because she'd gone to a party where she'd had "ten guys all over her" and she already had a boyfriend. Ha ha, s-l-u-t!

Anyway, she's been flirting with two of her friends boyfriends (even though, in the past three weeks, she's had three boyfriends) and now she's being totally dragged down by these girls (not the guy's girlfriends, but the guy's girlfriends friends) and she's struggling. I don't know what to do. Should I help her, be nice to her? Even though her life's desire seems to be to make me so jealous of her that I'll start foaming at the mouth? Or should I just let her fade away into nothingness, like she did to me? Even though she promised me we'd be best friends forever. She was never one to keep promises anyway.

I need to accept that life as I knew it, is over. It's time to end it altogether, or let go and make a new one.

But I don't want to let go.

And that's the problem.

Black Mariah.