I'm Sick Of Trying....

Hi again, guys

I think I only tend to write on this blog when I'm really depressed. I think the reason I was away for like, two weeks was because I was totally fine. I was still cutting myself, but that's just me. That's an addiction like any other, drugs and alcohol and all that crap. I was having a great time but then last night I just crashed.

I don't know what made me. Last night, I shut myself off from everyone for four hours. That's not a good thing to do when you're like me. Hating yourself. Spending four hours, depressed and alone with someone you hate....There's a lot you can do to your body in four hours. And while it felt so good last night, while the falling blood helped me to escape, helped me to...I don't know what...now, I'm left with the consequences. That's the thing with this addiction. When you go to sleep, you have to carefully position yourself so you're not lying on your cuts. That hurts. When your getting changed for a gym class....that's an interesting experience, we'll put it that way. When you knock the area that's been cut (in my case, the top of my right leg) you have to struggle not to wince in pain because people will wonder why. You have to sneak off on your own to the school bathroom to check if the bleeding has started again. It changes everything.

But I have to do it. I wear the pain on the outside because I can't put it into words. I wear the cuts like a badge. I hate them, I'm proud of them. I hate that I'm proud of them and I'm proud that I hate them. The cuts are me because they are all I'm sure of now. I thought I knew my friends, turned out I don't. I thought I knew my family, turns out I really don't. I thought I knew myself, but I never thought I'd be a self harmer. I guess I don't know anything for sure. All I know is the cuts.

And the more I cut, the more I want to. The deeper I want to go.

The more I want to bleed.

That's all I really want.

To bleed.

Or to die.

I'm sick of trying and failing. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of hating who I am and being unable to change it.

I've become everything I hate and I've lost everything I love.

It's time to give up.

So why can't I?

Black Mariah